Michael Grose's Parentingideas, Tips and Advice

2009-06-30T10:56:00.004+10:00

Kids that learn the hard way

Does your child act before he thinks?

Would he pat a dog, even though you warn him not to?

Would your child ignore a ‘wet paint, don’t touch’ sign and check it out for themselves?

If you’re busy nodding your head then chances are your child likes to learn through trial and error.

“You can tell me all you want, but I’m going to find out for myself” is their motto. They don’t like to be told. Experience is their teacher. The lessons learned at the school of hard knocks can be bitter, which makes parenting these kids pretty tough.

Inside school these kids are hands-on and tactile. They love to experiment and tinker. They learn about flight by making paper aeroplanes and flying them through their classrooms. They’ll adjust the nose, tail and wings to make it fly longer.

They learn about human behaviour by watching the reactions of classmates as the aeroplanes fly. They’ll notice that some people will react differently. Mates will love it and most likely laugh. Others will cringe and roll their eyes.

They learn about limits when the teacher keeps them after class for flying paper aeroplanes in the wrong place at the wrong time. They’ll adjust their behavior to avoid being kept in. But if the pay-off is big enough in terms of getting a reaction from peers, they may choose to continue flying paper aeroplanes in class instead. The pay-off is worth the risk of being caught!!

These trial and error kids learn many of their life lessons through experience. They will test the boundaries parents set, and ignore their well-meaning advice. These are the young adults who’ll take their time settling down, perhaps travelling overseas to get some experiences before deciding the path they choose.

Trial and error kids learners are more likely to be boys, and more likely to be worrying in the teenage years, which are highly experimental anyway.

The risks when young involve scraped knees, hurt egos and disappointment. They are minor compared to the risks that ten-foot-and bullet-proof teens can take. This can be scary, but it doesn’t mean parents should shelter their kids.

Here are some tips for parenting trial and error kids so they stay safe and absorb lessons along the way:

1. Make their problem, their problem: Sometimes we as adults can take on their concerns and make them our own. If something doesn’t bother them and there is no risk or infringement to other people’s rights then let them be. Hint: A jumper is something a parent puts on his/her child when they’re cold. (Sal Severe’s book “How to behave so your children will too!” has great ideas about this area. Find out more.)

2. Let them experience natural consequences: Natural consequences are fabulous teachers so step back and allow kids to experience the outcome of their decision, whether pleasant or unpleasant. For instance, if a child spends all his pocket money on the first day of the week may learn the value of planning if his pocket-money is not topped up.! (My book One Step Ahead goes into more detail about the magic of natural and logical consequences. Find out more.)

3. Save them from themselves: Differentiate between safe risks and unsafe risks. The use of natural consequences doesn’t apply when a child’s safety or well-being is at-risk. If you know a child is going to ride his bike in an absolutely reckless way then banning the bike for a time maybe the best option (logical consequences). If he’s going to be reckless with pocket-money spending then natural consequences may well be the best teacher as the risks are different.

4.Link behaviour with outcomes: Annoying the family pooch to the point where she snaps is an obvious link. Sometimes the lessons kids should learn need some explaining. So be prepared to reinforce life’s lesson if they don’t get it. “The reason your friends don’t go to the footy with you is that you keep annoying them……”

5.Keep explaining: Sometimes the lessons take a while to sink in so you need to be patient and also keep explaining. It may seem like nagging but there is often no other way.

Allowing kids to absorb life’s lessons is a tough gig for parents. But for some kids and some situations, it’s the only option available!

You'll learn more about trial and error kids at my coming Secrets of raising well-behaved kids seminar in an Ausstralian capital city in Ayugust and September.

I’m going to give all I’ve got on how you can raise kids who know how to behave even when you’re not around.

I’ll talk about managing trial and error kids, stubborn ‘you-can’t-make-me-do-anything-I-don’t-want- to-do’ kids as well as your every day garden variety kids who just love to have the last word. Book Now.

My survey of three weeks ago showed that managing kids’ behaviour is still the number 1 concern for Australian parents.

In this seminar you’ll get the full benefit of my 22 years of parenting education and you’ll hear strategies you won’t get anywhere else to make sure you raise co-operative, well-behaved kids.

Get more information at www.parentingideas.com.au

NB: This is one seminar where it’s a great idea of both parents come along to.
This practical, information-full seminar is suitable for parents of children of all ages, but most of my examples will fit the 3 – 13 year age groups.

2009-06-16T13:42:00.003+10:00

Would your child eat the marshmallow?

Between 1968 and 1974 Stanford University researcher Michael Mischel conducted an unusual experiment that demonstrated the importance of delaying immediate gratification to lifelong success.

In a long-term study Mischel, offered 4 year-olds a marshmallow, and told them that if they could wait for the experimenter to return after ten to fifteen minutes, he would reward their patience with another marshmallow.

Control your impulses and delay gratification for a greater reward was the idea here! An interesting dilemma for any 44 year-old, let alone a 4 year old.

Mischel found there were three groups of kids. About one-third ate the marshmallow within the first few seconds. They didn’t even consider waiting. Down the hatch! Another third tried to wait, but couldn’t last the distance. Another third practised some old-fashioned self-discipline and didn’t eat the marshmallow. That’s quite an effort!

Mischel followed the 400 kids involved in the experiment over a 14 year period and found that there was a high correlation between the results of the study and how each group performed in high school.

The marshmallow gobblers were more troubled, and had difficulty subordinating immediate impulses to achieve long-term goals. When it came time to study, they were easily distracted and less likely to follow-through and finish school.

The marshmallow resisters were more motivated, educationally more successful and more emotionally intelligent. Their end of high school marks were higher than the other groups.

So what’s the point?

Sometimes we can draw too many conclusions from such experiments. In fact, studies like this one can take on a life of their own, and be quoted out of context without any real understanding of how it was conducted.

BUT I think it’s a great reminder for all parents that the Rolling Stones were right when they sang all those years ago ‘You can’t always get what you want.’
Okay, Mick Jagger wasn’t thinking about kids when he belted out those lyrics, but he may as well have been.

Impulse control is one of the keys to being successful in life. It doesn’t take a study to make that obvious. Those who can put off immediate gratification or the quick fix to work toward a bigger goal will always be successful in life.
Always have been, always will. It takes self-discipline to save, rather than use a credit card. It takes self-discipline to get up in the cold each morning to exercise rather than stay in bed. Impulse control pays off…….in the long run.
Modern parenting can be detrimental to developing impulse control. Let’s face it, in this era of smaller families we have greater propensity to gratify kids’ needs immediately. To be blunt, to avoid disappointing kids, I see some adults bending over backwards to give them what they want.

Impulse control is largely about self-discipline and character. While some kids are more naturally prone to delay gratification than others, some parenting styles are more likely to promote impulse control than others. Parenting does have an impact!
Here are four strategies to encourage your children to delay gratification, practise self-discipline and build character along the way:

1.Just say NO! You may need to gird your loins with some tough nuts, but so be it!

2.Give kids pocket-money and teach them how to set goals. Being a child’s personal ATM doesn’t encourage impulse controls.

3. Help kids focus on bigger rewards. When kids can see that a BIGGER reward is attainable they are more likely strive to get it.

4. Establish rituals and rites of passage. ‘You get your big bike when you are ten’ is a type of ritual that parents used in the past to make children wait. These rituals and rites of passage give parents strength to resist pester power and teaches kids that good things come to those who wait.

There is no doubt that saying No to kids is hard work as it is in their job descriptions to push parental (and adult) boundaries.

It is in their long term best interests to realise that they “can’t always get want you want….”

It’s worth remembering the following line to that Stones was, “you can try sometimes, you can try”.

Maybe Jagger was singing about kids after all!

2009-06-02T12:41:00.001+10:00

2009-04-09T15:20:00.002+10:00

What's your family brand?

What brand is your family? Strange question, I know.

But each family is different. Each family has its own distinct way of communicating. It has its own distinct culture and set of values. It has its own distinctive atmosphere and ways of beinging people together. Knowing these helps you identify your distinctive family brand. Read my next happy Kids article to find out more about identifying yoru family brabd. Just go to www.parentingideas.com.au and subscribe to Happy Kids while you are there.

2009-04-02T15:57:00.008+11:00

What to do when your child catastrophises?

“If I don’t do well in this test my whole year will be messed up!”

Do you have a child who automatically assumes the worst case scenario in any risky or new situations? If so, you have a catastrophiser on your hands.

Catastrophisers exaggerate their worries and place enormous pressure on themselves.

The default mechanism in their thinking always goes to the most negative outcome possible. The results won’t just be bad, they’ll be catastrophic!

They won’t just mess up if they give a talk to their class at school. They’ll make total fools of themselves and the whole class will laugh at them, or so they say.

They won’t just fall over in a game. They’ll break a leg, end up in hospital and miss out on going to school camp, or so they say.

They won’t just get a dirty look from their teacher if they arrive late for school. They’ll be kept in at lunch-time, miss out on sport and have all the other kids making fun of them if they are late, or so they say.

Catastrophising makes kids feel miserable. Worse, they often don’t want to do anything because they expect the worst possible outcome.

So what to do with a catastrophiser?

Your approach will depend to some extent on your child’s age.

Under fives generally don’t overtly catastrophise, however even young children can be negative. Make sure you model upbeat, positive thinking as young children take their cues from their parents, particularly the parent they spend most time around.

Being a significant adult in the life of a child carries some responsibilities, and presenting the world as an exciting, positive place full of possibility is one of those responsibilities!!!

School-aged children need to be encouraged to keep things in perspective. Challenge your child’s propensity to catastrophise. Here are five ways you can use to challenge your child’s catastrophic thinking:

1.“What’s the most likely scenario?” Sometimes it’s useful to introduce a dose of old-fashioned rational thinking. “Yep, you could break you leg if you go skiing. But the odds are that you won’t.”

2.“Does it really matter?” “You may be right, but is it the end of the world as we know it?”
One way of dealing with hard core catastrophisers is to admit that they could be right, but even if they are right and the worst case scenario does happen, the sun will still shine tomorrow. Take kids to the worst possible scenario and they may see it’s not so bad.

3.“Where does this fit on the disaster meter?” Catastrophisers get themselves in a knot about relatively insignificant things. Okay, making a fool out themselves may not be insignificant to kids, however compared to plenty of other events……. …well, perspective is a good thing. Help them get some perspective by giving their worry a score out of ten, on how important the issue really is.

4.“That’s unhelpful thinking.” Sometimes kids’ thinking is so out of whack with reality that they become anxious about minor things. Thinking such as, ‘everyone must like me’, ‘I must never make a mistake’ and ‘bad things always happen to me’ are extreme and need to be replaced by more moderate, realistic thoughts. E.g. “It would be nice if everyone liked me but not everyone will. It’s important to have some good friends.”

5. Replace extreme words for feelings with more moderate descriptors: Today’s kids talk in extremes – ‘awesome’, ‘the best’ and ‘gross’ roll off their tongues easily these days. Extreme language leads to extreme thinking. So encourage kids to replace “I’m furious” with “I’m annoyed”, “It’s a disaster” with ‘It’s a pain”, “I can’t stand it” with “I don’t like it”. Sounds minor but by changing kids’ language you change how they think about events and, more importantly, how they feel.
I suspect that many parents will identify strongly with some of the above.

Yep, we all catastrophise from time to time, particularly when we are under stress. It takes a cool customer to moderate their thinking the whole time. So be mindful of your child’s need to jump to the worst from time to time. A bit of reassurance is all that’s needed in these one-off scenarios.

But if you, like your child, are a serial catastrophiser, then it will be useful to challenge your unhelpful or extreme thinking when it happens. Not only will you model realistic thinking for your kids, but you will get an insight into what you need to do to change your child’s catastrophising.

2009-02-27T15:55:00.001+11:00

Are you a competitive parent?

Do you ever compare your child’s behaviour or progress with other children of the same age?
It’s tempting to use other children’s development as benchmarks for your own children’s development.

For instance, you may notice that your friends’ five year old can count to 100 easily, while your own five year old struggles to count to 10. It’s easy to think, ‘What’s wrong with my son? Why can’t he count to 100?’

It’s also tempting to use other children’s behaviour as benchmarks for your own child’s behaviour.

For example, you may notice your friend’s daughter just loves to sit and chat after school, while your child just wants to sit in front of the TV when she gets home. It’s easy to think, ‘What’s wrong with my daughter? Why doesn’t she want to sit with me and talk about school? What’s wrong with ME?’

Comparing your child with others is a stress-inducing and, ultimately, useless activity.
BUT it’s a natural thing to do.

We assess our progress in any area of life by checking out how we compare with our peers.
When we were kids in school we compared ourselves to our schoolmates. We knew the academic hierarchy our classroom. Our teachers may not have graded us, but we knew who the smart kids were and where we ranked in the order of things.

As parents we still keep eye on our peers. We use the progress and behaviour of their kids as benchmarks to help us assess our own performance as well as our kids’ progress. This is okay, as long as we don’t lose sight of three important aspects:

1. Kids develop at different rates. There are early developers, slow bloomers and steady-as-you-go kids in every group so comparing your child’s results or performance can be completely unrealistic.

What this means for you: Compare your child with his own performances and development only. Improvement and effort become your focus and your child’s results become the benchmark for progress and development.

2. Kids have different talents, interests and strengths. Okay, your eight-year-old may not be able to hit a tennis ball like Rafa, even though your neighbour’s child can. Avoid comparing the two kids as your child probably doesn’t give a toss about tennis anyway.

What this means for you: Help your child identify his or her talents and interests and focus on these only. Recognise that strengths and interests may be completely different than those of his or her peers and siblings.

3. Parents can have unrealistic expectations for their kids. We all have hopes and dreams for our kids but these can sometimes not be in line with their interests and talents.

What this means for you: Keep your expectations for success in line with their abilities (and not those of your friend’s kids) and interests. If expectations are too high kids will give up. If they are too low, kids will usually meet them!!!

All parents should take pride on their children’s performance at school, in sport or their leisure activities. You should also celebrate their achievements and milestones such as, taking their first steps, getting their first goal in a game or getting great marks at school.

BUT you shouldn’t have too much personal stake in your children’s success or in their milestones, as this close association makes it hard to separate yourself from your kids. It also leads you to play the “compare & compete game” – i.e. by comparing kids you can put pressure on yourself and them to perform for the wrong reasons.

And certainly, your self-esteem as a parent should not be explicitly linked to your children’s behaviour or developmental levels.

Quite simply, some kids are more difficult than others……………so it takes a bold parent to hoist their self-esteem sail to the developmental or behavioural mast of their child.

“You are not your child” is a challenging but essential parental concept to live by. Doing so takes real maturity and altruism, but it is the absolute foundation of that powerful thing known as ‘unconditional love’.

2009-02-09T13:22:00.004+11:00

How to help your children make sense of natural disasters

The Queensland floods and the Victorian bushfires continue to wreak incredible havoc on so many people’s lives and will no doubt leave an indelible imprint on our collective psyches. These two natural disasters will be brought into our living rooms via the media over the coming days and weeks.

As adults we all want our children to live carefree lives and keep them from the pain and even horror of tragedies such as natural disasters. In reality we can’t do this.

So what is a parent, teacher, or other caring adult to do when the natural disasters fills the airwaves and the consciousness of society? Here are some ideas:

1. Reassure children that they are safe. The consistency of the images can be frightening for young children who don’t understand the notion of distance and have difficulty distinguishing between reality and fiction. Let them know that while this event is indeed happening it will not affect them directly.

2. Be available. Let kids know that it is okay to talk about the unpleasant events. Listen to what they think and feel. By listening, you can find out if they have misunderstandings, and you can learn more about the support they need. You do not need to explain more than they are ready to hear, but be willing to answer their questions.

3. Help children process what they see and hear, particularly through television. Children are good observers but can be poor interpreters of events that are out of their level of understanding. Sit with them. Talk about it what they see and hear. Ask questions to ascertain their level of understanding.

4. Support children’s concerns for others. They may have genuine concerns for the suffering that will occur and they may need an outlet for those concerns. It is heart-warming to see this empathy in children for the concerns of others.

5. Let them explore feelings beyond fear. Many children may feel sad or even angry with these events so let them express the full range of emotions. They may feel sadder for the loss of wildlife, than for loss of human life, which is impersonal for them.

6. Help children and young people find a legitimate course of action if they wish. Action is a great antidote to stress and anxiety so finding simple ways to help, including donating some pocket money can assist kids to cope and teaches them to contribute.

7. Avoid keeping the television on all the time. The visual nature of the media means that images are repeated over and over, which can be both distressing to some and desensitizing to others.

8. Be aware of your own actions. Children will take their cues from you and if they see you focusing on it in an unhealthy way then they will focus on it too. Let them know that it is happening but it should not dominate their lives.

9. Take action yourself. Children who know their parents, teachers, or other significant caregivers are working to make a difference feel hope. They feel safer and more positive about the future. So do something. It will make you feel more hopeful, too. And hope is one of the most valuable gifts we can give children and ourselves.

Children’s worlds can be affected in ways that we can’t even conceive of so adults need to be both sensitive to children’s needs and mindful of what they say and how they act in front of children.

In difficult times, it is worth remembering what adults and children need most are each other.

PLEASE PASS this article on to others. The article has been professionally laid out for organisations and schools to pass on to parents. You can get a PDF at www.parentingideas.com.au

Alternatively, you can print this article in full and have the following attribution at the bottom of the article:

"This article was written by Michael Grose- parenting educator, author and columnist. For more parenting information and resources visit www.parentingideas.com.au"

2009-01-24T17:22:00.002+11:00

Is 2009 the year for teaching kids to be kind?

This morning I read the brief stories of 20 children and young teenagers who had migrated to Australia from all parts of the world. Some were refugees, and most were from developing countries. Being kids they were honest. In fact, it seemed the younger they were the more honest their responses. Something that they all seemed to focus on was the kindness or lack of kindness shown to them by others.

Kindness, which is shown through a million different behaviours is at the heart of the matter when it comes to relating to each other. It is at the hearty of acceptance. It is at the heart of being happy. People can put up with a lot of stuff if they experience some kindness. Kids are no different. They can put up with a lot if they experience some kind words or are on the receiving end of some acts of kindness.

The parenting industry, of which I am part of, is very good at telling parents what to focus on when raising their kids. It has created a vast language and set of concepts that many parents are very familiar with, including; managing kids behaviours; how to communicate with their kids so their messages stick, how to help their kids achieve and be happy; how to help kids cope with some of the difficulties they face and how parents can negotiate the various tricky life stages kids go through. Communication, confidence, competence................

In 2009 we need to add kindness to this mix . Not only should we be kind to kids but we should help them be kind to each other.

The next year or so will be a lot tougher on all of us as the economy is still to bottom out. It seems more jobs will be lost and more people will do it 'tough'. We'll all need to be a little kinder to each other. It may be that the coming tough times will mean that people will turn to each other more to help them get through. The sense of community will be needed. Tough times always brings out the sense of community in people. This is a good thing - the silver lining behind the dark clouds so to speak.

I encourage you to focus a little more on kindness this year than you have in the past. Focus on kindness in your dealings with your family,colleagues and friends, and to those people around you. Kindness is not a quality or behaviour we have focused on in the last few very self-centred years. 'Look after NO. 1' can now be replaced by 'look out for each other'. It's time focus on being kind!

2008-09-15T10:36:00.002+10:00

Are kids too BUSY today?

Here are some quick thoughts about this topic:

Overscheduling can lead to stress, burn-out and physical ailments.

Many kids experience activity overload from a young age - below the age of 5.

Kids needs down-time today to relax. They are busier in adult-initiated activities than kids of past generations.

Boredom is okay but many parents hate it. The worst thing that their kids can say is, “I’m bored!”

Lack of family and parent well-being is the overlooked side-effect of overscheduled kids.

Often parents provide opportunities for kids to develop and do things as kids that they couldn’t.

Busy also means staying out of trouble.

Do kids always have to be productive with their time? I don’t think so. Much gained by doing little.

Parents can easily confuse a good start in life with an early start or a busy start.

It is good for kids’ mental health to have downtime and just ‘stare into the fire.’

An office straw poll about how many activities kids should do revealed that 2 extra-curricular activities per week is about the average.

When kids begin a new activity then they should be encouraged to drop one – a good life skill.

Part of the solution for busyness is to create some down-time for kids – when kids don’t do adult-initiated activities. Kids need to have some time when they can control what they do.

Down-time is good for mental health and good for imagination stimulation.

A US study showed an inordinate amount of kids dropping out of sports at 11 due to burnout.By 15 70 per cent had dropped out of their favourite sport.

Ideas for parents:

1. Develop a healthy skeptism about latest fads etc.

2. Buyer’s beware: lot of vested commercial interests in keeping kids occupied

3. Let kids be kids – don’t always have to be productive.

4. Leave spaces in the calendar for downtime.

5. Encourage kids to swap around activities in childhood – football one season, soccer the next.

6. Balance between down and busy time

Add your comments below:

www.parentingideas.com.au

2008-04-15T16:23:00.003+10:00

We have a problem raising young people today.

The norms and values that most families practise are not reflected in the broader community.

Take the use of alcohol for example.

Undoubtedly we have a problem with youth binge drinking in the Australia and the UK. Approximately 30% of fifteen year olds binge drink (five or more drinks in a sitting) at least once a week. The figures are remarkably similar in both countries.

Most families understand there is a problem with young people drinking yet alcohol continues to be created, packaged and marketed to young drinkers. Alcopops are remarkably cheap, easy to attain and mightily attractive to young people.

Alcohol use is just one battlefield for parents. The changing nature of the Internet with social networking sites means young people have access to vast, unknown audiences audience in an instant. It is little wonder many parents feel they are fighting an uphill battle when raising and supporting teens.

One of the biggest threats to young people’s wellbeing is when parents feel they are powerless or ineffective. Young people rightfully want to exercise greater power and control over their own lives. It is at this time when parents need to feel confident enough to guide, influence and hand over control when young people are ready.

http://www.parentingideas.com.au/

Beating the BRAT Factor (Pt.1)

2008-02-05T14:15:00.001+11:00

Now that kids are back at school and the media dust has settled it is worth reflecting on the circus surrounding 16 year-old Narre Warren teenager Corey Worthington.

I didn’t want to add further fuel to the media bonfire at the peak of his notoriety in mid January by writing about him in my blog or in this newsletter. Enough volumes were devoted to him at the time. But it was worth reflecting on the whole bizarre episode that certainly touched a raw community nerve.

Was this event a blip on the social radar? After all, it was school holiday time and kids will be kids. I am not so sure. “Coreygate” was an incident just waiting to happen. He, his mates and the other players in this event are products of their times.

There were five alarming aspects that demonstrate there has been a significant community and generational shift in attitudes and behaviour.

NO.1: The fact that 500 kids came to a party in a suburban street is absolutely scary. Close your eyes and picture that number of young people gathering outside your home around midnight. This generation of kids are so highly connected to each other that they can garner a massive crowd in no time with little effort. Communication technology and modern social networking websites now mean that every small gathering is a potential block party.

NO.2: These 16 year olds showed no respect for private or public property as well as the police. It is too easy to blame alcohol or the ‘gang’ factor for this. Mark Twain, declared in Huck Finn, that there is nothing so brainless as a mob. Let’s not forget that much of the behaviour bordered on criminal. The mob factor is a poor excuse.

NO. 3: The instant notoriety party boy Corey received was astonishing. World-wide news coverage was one thing, but the hero-worship he received was another. Depending on your age and viewpoint he was declared a ‘moron’ and, alternatively a ‘legend’. The fact that bad news now makes good news makes it smart for some kids with not a lot going for them to be bad. What a pay-off this young person got for moronic behaviour!

NO.4: The Paris Hilton factor, where bad behaviour is suddenly a saleable commodity, was more than evident. Celebrity agent Max Markson is making Corey a seemingly small fortune (if media reports are correct) to host similar parties. Never have parents raised kids in such a context where nothing is off-limits and young people’s long term best interests are less important than commercial interests.

NO.5: The empathy that went out to Corey’s parents was amazing. They appeared on TV and they seemed, well, normal. Like you and I. “There by the grace of God go I” was the general feeling. The strength of this empathy reflects a type of powerlessness than many parents feel as they wonder how to avoid raising their own ‘Corey’.

This last point touches on perhaps the most pertinent issue. Is our current parenting so poor that we run the danger of raising a generation of Corey’s who show little respect for others and who are, in effect, caricatures of some of the less-than-smart celebrities going around. Alternatively, are Corey and his mates simply ‘works-in-progress’ and just showing that they have some maturing still to do. The ‘smarts’ and ‘responsibility’ genes will kick in eventually surely!

www.parentingideas.com.au

2008-01-14T12:22:00.000+11:00

Ten is too young for a Brazilian

An article in January 8th Melbourne's The Age caught my eye. Written by staff writer Larissa Dubecki it focussed on the 2007 release of the Pretty range of hair removal products by Nair aimed at the 10-15 year old age group- or in Nairspeak "first time hair removers".

Yep. You read right. Ten year olds girls - roughly Year 5 and 6 - according to the Nair website"at an age when the childhood fuzz is becoming thicker and coarser hair. It's time to give some serious thought to removing it."

Girl.com.au a site visited by nine to 14 year olds claims that "Nobody really likes hair in their private regions......" . Good grief. What next? Baby Brazilians.

Now anyone who has followed my thoughts over the past few years will realise that I am on a bit of a crusade about preserving kids' childhood, as much as possible. (Sign up to Happy Kids, my FREE newsletter for parents at www.parentingideas.com.au)

There are lots of reasons developmental reasons why kids should be kids and not dragged into adolescence before their bodies and minds do this for them.

For some years now tweenie fashion (for girls) has had a higly sexual edge to it - exposed midriffs, skimpy tops, and glitter make-up for starters. Now we have hair removal products for tweenies just to completely blur the lines between childhood and adulthood even more.

Nair's online advertising presents hair removal as a type of rite of passage. It suggests at the age of ...... (the website doesn't actually state an age but you can guess) you can start removing hair from your body. The big question to ask is WHY? WHY would a young person want to go through all the hoopla of hair removal. One can only assume to make yourself more attractive, but to whom? Again it is unstated but let me fill the blank.... the opposite sex.

It is hard to be a parent today when there are so many commercial interests that DO NOT act in the best interests of children and young people. Resist this latest craze for goodness sake and let girls be kids just a little longer. I can just see a question at my next seminar that goes along these lines; "What age do you think girls should get a Brazilian. My eleven year old daughter keeps bugging me about it?" Good grief!

Visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au/ for ideas and advice to help you bring out the best in kids.

2007-12-04T13:24:00.000+11:00

What to say when kids tell tales on each other

It’s a jungle out there. At least it is in many families.

Families can be noisy, competitive and sometimes operate on the survival of the fittest principal (or, in many families, the biggest). They function according to some very primal laws. They are hierarchical by nature, with children constantly working and adjusting their pecking order.

And conflict-free they are not, which is why the family jungle teaches kids a great deal about coping with conflict, relationships and disputes at school and in the workplace beyond.

One type of behaviour that can send parents over the edge is when one child ‘tells a tale’ on a sibling, particularly when a dispute or disagreement occurs.

‘Telling tales’ on a sibling seems to be part of family-life. It is funny how children will dob in their siblings at home, when they wouldn’t dream of dobbing in their friends at school for similar behaviours. (See One Step Ahead at http://www.parentingideas.com.au/)

The message for parents is fairly clear. Avoid responding automatically to children’s tales and recognise that children use ‘tales’ to involve parents in disputes that are really should belong to children. The trouble is most of us are as predictable as washing machine cycles so kids can usually predict our responses.

What to do when kids tell tales?

It is useful to acknowledge their feelings but not to become too involved in an issue that should belong to them. Avoid being the White Knight repeatedly rescuing victims, Judge Judy (or Josh) who passes judgement on one or either of the perpetrators or the Concerned Cop who always tries to keep the peace. The key is to place the onus back on kids to resolve their own disputes. This is a BIG FAMILY strategy. If you had six or eight kid you would be too busy to respond to children’s tales of the less than serious variety.

Here are some responses to try when a child comes to you with tale or story about the dastardly, terrible things that his or her sibling did or said to them:

1. The Disaster Scale: “Where does this fit on the disaster scale from 1 to 10?”
Kids can easily blow issues out of proportion so that a child taking a siblings’ sock is suddenly two rungs above an axe murderer and losing socks is suddenly the worst thing that can happen. The Disaster Scale helps kids gain a little perspective.

2. Invite them to solve the issue themselves: “Can you handle this yourself? Is this something you can deal with?” You’ll never know if you don’t give them a go! Put the issue back on the kids to resolve. It’s not that you don’t want to help but really some things don’t need your help!

3. The shock tactic: “What would you like me to do about this?” This is my favourite response as it puts the onus back on to the child. Be prepared for surprises though as some kids just want you to lock their sibling in a tiny room and for you to throw away the key!

4. Problem-ownership: “Does this problem really involve you?” Some children just love to get involved in disputes that don’t involve them but they love to get a certain ‘sibling into trouble’. Don’t be drawn into such disputes or else you will soon be doing the ‘sibling dance’ with them, with the ‘tell taler’ taking the lead.

5. Put them in the same boat: “I’ll listen to both of you when you can tell me the same story.” This is the first step in the conflict resolution cycle. If two children have a tale of woe get them to agree on the story they tell. This is usually enough to resolve the dispute.

6. The pen and paper approach: “Can you write down what happened? Give one child and pen and the other a piece of paper and invite them to write down exactly what happened. A considered written response will be taken very seriously by parents.

We all have our own responses to kids’ annoying behaviours. Some are learned from our own family and some we just develop all by ourselves. It’s good sometimes to come out of ‘left field’ with the things you say and do. It helps keep life interesting as well as keep your kids on their toes. Spontaneity and curiosity are healthy qualities to promote in families. Responding to annoying, repetitive tales gives you a chance to be a little spontaneous and creative. Just make sure you maintain your children’s dignity and yours in the process

For more ideas to help you deal with sibling rivalry check out my at-home program Dealing with Sibling Rivalry at www.parentingideas.com.au !

2007-11-05T16:14:00.000+11:00

Cyber Harassment of Teens

Over a third of teenage girls have been sexually harrassed via the Internet according to a survey conducted in Australia's 'Girlfriend' magazine.

The results of the survey were released at a national conference on bullying in Melbourne on the weekend (3/4th November 2007). As reported in Melbourne's The Age Victoria Police cyber-safety specialist Susan McLean said cyber-bullying is the number one safety problem confronting young people, ahead of drug use.

In many ways this report supports what many professionals have suspected for some time - that modern parents are out of touch with what is happening to children online. Many of us think we know what kids get up to online but the reality is far from the truth.

Some parents think that the cyber world is basically harmless for young people. This cavalier attitude is akin to parental neglect. The survey found that 41 per cent of girls had been asked in one form or another to post naked pictures of themselves online. The cyberworld is far from a safe place.

Young people have always wanted to escape from their parents' world. In the past they hung out in shopping centres and pool halls. Parents tried their best to keep an eye on where their children were and what they were doing. Expectations about appropriate behaviours, known home times and accountability were some of the tools of trade parents used to keep an eye on kids' in the off-line world.

The online world is now the shopping mall of the 21st Century. Parents have the same responsibility to help kids stay safe in the online world as they do in the real world. 'Stranger danger' and accompanying safe behaviours are just as relevant in the online world as they are in the real world.

Parents can use the same offline preventative strategies to maximise their children's online safety - that is, let their expectations be known; don't let them spend all night in the cyberworld; and ask questions about what they are doing and where they go when they're online.

These offline strategies are only the tip of the parenting iceberg. Parents should discuss their concerns about online activity with children and young people. They need to remind kids that things in the online world can spin out of control very quickly. A written message or an image can be circulated electronically so rapidly that the scope and scale of cyberbullying can be greater than any other form of bullying.

The following seven key messages form the basis of an online safety strategy for kids. They should be taught to kids so they become second nature, just as the messages about stranger danger were absorbed by an earlier generaion.

The seven key cybersafety messages are:

1. Respect others - be aware what you send can offend.

2. Think before you send - know that you are in a very public and permanent forum.

3. Treat passwords like your house key - keep them guarded at all times.

4. Block bullies - learn how to block or report online bullies.

5. Don't reply to harrassment - bullies can retain proof of your response, which can further be spread around.

6. Save the evidence - learn how to keep pictures and offending messages.

7. Tell someone - a trusted adult, provider of the service and/or your school.

Sticking the proverbial head in the sand regarding kids' use of communications technology is no longer an option for parents. Savvy parents need to learn as much as they can about children's and young people's online lives so they can respond to situations appropriately.

http://www.parentingideas.com.au/

2007-10-26T12:46:00.000+10:00

Is your home set-up for communication?

Many homes in western countries are designed for individual enjoyment. Nothing wrong with that. It's great to have places and spaces to go to as individual. However we need to be careful not to put too much space between family so that people rarely meet or interact. TV's and computers in bedrooms may prevent arguments but they also keep people separate.

Take some time to check out how often kids interact with you and each other. If they spend most of their time apart and little time together maybe it is worth taking a second look at how your home is set up.

Get a free chores guide as well as top tips to get kids ot help at www.parentingideas.com.au

2007-10-09T11:59:00.000+10:00

It's not okay to be away

Students are skipping an average of three weeks a year of school according to recent data released relating to Victorian secondary schools.

While this data relates to secondary schools it would be interesting to view data from the primary sector. My hunch is that it would be just as high, if not higher.

I am amazed by the shift in attitude toward staying away from schoo that has occurred in recent years. Being sick is one thing. But I am hearing stories about children being absent from school for what in the past would have been NO EXCUSE whatsoever. Reasons for absences that I have heard lately include children:

Staying away to to celebrate their own birthday or a siblings' birthday
Going shopping for clothes
Spending time with a parent or relative
Extended weekend
Not wanting to take part in school activities such as sports as they don't interest kids

It is not just a matter of taking a day or two off here or there. It seems that there are serial offenders and that is the real worry. It is often the kids who can least afford a day off school who take the most time off.

There needs to be a shift in attitude toward school whereby learning is highly valued by parents. In fact, so highly valued that is not okay for kids to be away from school unless there are good medical grounds or extenuating, family circumstances.

www.parentingideas.com

2007-07-12T09:02:00.000+10:00

Is your child’s life too busy?

How highly-scheduled is your child’s life?

A study of 2000 Australian children released last week found that four and five year olds spend more time in organised, structured activities than in unstructured play.

They spend 4.2 hours in unstructured play and television view per day compared to 5.2 visiting others, doing lessons or classes or in child care.

So much for the image of childhood being a time of carefree, child-initiated fun!

As they get older their lives become more organised. The proliferation of organised sport, performance-based and educational type activities available in the burgeoning ‘child development and education’ industry ensures that kids are heavily scheduled.

Kids’ schedules also mean busy times for parents too. Many mums and dads know only too well that parenthood means spending many hours behind the wheel of a car driving kids to various classes or activities in a variety of locations.

Pitfalls and advantages
Scheduled activities whether, organised classes, child care activities or learning programs, have benefits for kids in terms of vocabulary stimulation, readiness for literacy and the increased confidence that may come from mixing with others in a variety of settings.

Conversely, there is some evidence that suggests that excessive time spent in organised activities can lead to increased anxiety, poor behaviour and inability for kids to occupy themselves.

Seek a balance
We need to take a balanced approach and make sure that kids have sufficient time in their days and weeks to just be kids. Not everything in their lives needs to be tied to learning or has to show progress. One or two organised activities a day maybe okay, but any more, and you may find you are creating a ‘stimulus junkie’.

Kids of all ages tell us they want more down-time at home. Down-time gives kids a chance to form relationships with siblings and parents. Down-time also gives kids to initiate their own play and retreat to their very fertile imaginations. It is easy to forget that free, unstructured play has huge value in terms of relieving stress and learning.

Don’t underestimate your own impact
Many parents I meet devalue the impact that they have on their children. It is easy to forget that the tiny interactions we have with kids on a daily basis are invaluable in terms of learning and development. Even the simplest of tasks such as teaching kids to wipe up a spill have enormous value.

Teachers tell me that many kids start school today better equipped academically than children of past generations but with poorer social and coping skills. This is in no small part due to the fact that we treat kids like mini-adults rather than like children.

Sure-fire signs of excessive child busyness:

1. Children are continually tired and irritable.
2. Continual refusal to go to activities.
3. Poor behaviour at transition times.
4. There is no time for family mealtime.
5. Anxiety (from parents or children) about their performance or progress in an ‘activity’ or class.

Guilt and high expectations can drive parents to over-schedule kids’ lives. Parents naturally want to bring out the best in their children. That is the nature of parenting. We just need to be sure, that in the meantime, kids don’t miss out on some of the joy, freedom and fun that comes with what many of us think of as CHILDHOOD.

Further Tips:

*Limit organised activities to two a day for pre-school children.
*If children take on a new program or activity then consider dropping one they already do.
*Make sure you have time to teach children the skills of independence such as dressing, cleaning up, cooking.
*Make sure kids have at least one hour a day where nothing is scheduled.

www.parentingideas.com.au

2007-06-25T16:05:00.000+10:00

Which birth order position is smartest?

Each birth order position has its own unique set of characteristics and attributes. For instance, achievement and ambition is a common first born trait, while persistence and creativity is common among last borns.

We all know exceptions to the above, however there is enough evidence to support these notions.

Last week new research was released that shows one birth order position is smarter than the others

When it comes to being bright, it pays to be a first born.

A study of 250,000 Norwegians found that those raised as a first born scored on average two percent higher on IQ tests than later born brothers and sisters.

The unique design of the study helped resolve the nature-versus-nurture aspect of the debate. It included young people whose older siblings had died as babies. These people, raised as first borns, scored similar scores as eldest borns.

The study maintains that first borns benefit from all that extra one-on-one parental attention and the fact that they have to explain a great deal to their younger siblings.

This supports my own findings, which I included in my book Why first Borns rule the world and last borns want to change it (available to http://www.parentingideas.com.au/)

One-on-one attention gives first borns an edge but there are other factors that give the eldest an advantage.

Parental expectations are generally huge for first borns both behaviourally and academically. We set the bar high for the first born and then lower it for each subsequent child.

First borns also benefit from being surrounded by a great deal of adult language in their early years, which impacts on their ability to read. The quality of language younger children are exposed to is diluted by increased exposure to the language of their siblings. Quite simply, they usually don’t receive the same type of adult-initiated stimulation that the eldest sibling received. This could account to some degree for the IQ discrepancy.

Quite frankly, I don’t think it matters.

Each position in a family has its own advantages and disadvantages, benefits and drawbacks. I wouldn’t trade the people smarts I picked up from being the youngest in my family and observing all the mistakes of my siblings for a few percentage points in IQ. No way!

I am glad I didn’t have the pressure to do well that my eldest sibling experienced. My parents were quite relaxed by the time I came along and allowed me some latitude to develop free from excessive pressure to perform or conform.

First borns may indeed be smarter but they tend to take themselves and life too seriously. And their perfectionist tendencies can be a drawback.

For these reasons, the key message for parents of first borns is to loosen up and don’t put too much pressure on them. Many place enough pressure on themselves to succeed, without parents adding another layer.

First borns also crave parental approval, which can straight-jacket them into only doing activities where success (and so parental approval) is assured. That’s why first borns need more encouragement (process-oriented feedback) than praise (result-oriented feedback). Encouragement releases the pressure on first borns to please adults.

Let’s face it, first borns maybe smarter than the rest, but they can be so darn complex too!

Get a free chores guide with top tips to get kids to help at http://www.parentingideas.com.au/

2007-06-19T16:11:00.001+10:00

The general consensus about the new range of lingerie aimed at children as low as eight is interesting.

Basically, young girls are dressing in pseudo-sexual clothes way before they are ready for them. Traditional wisdom has been that a long childhood sets kids up for adolescence. However it appears that this notion has gone out the window.

This clothing range is not in the best interests of kids. It is a cold, hard commercial decision. Sure, kids always like dressing like their mothers and fathers. They have always dressed up but they have always returned adult clothes to their parent’s wardrobe. But this new range enables girls to stay dressed up as mini-adults.

Good grief! Where do we draw the line with kids?http://www.parentingideas.com.au/

2007-05-22T15:35:00.001+10:00

Congratulations to the New Zealand legislators who have just legislated against the use of corporal punishment by parents. Smacking, spanking and physical force as punishment has been banned. This is obviously very controversial as well as difficult to enforce. Many parents argue that this akin to the government holding one hand behind their back when they are trying to exert a sense of control over their children. The argument about such legislation taking away parental rights is a flimsy one in this day and age.

Many parents tell me that they have smacked or spanked their children at some stage however it was not something they were proud of or felt good about. They felt frustrated or annoyed by their child’s poor behaviour so smacking was a type of release. Without getting sanctimonious about it discipline needs to be considered and controlled if it is to be effective. If parents smack their children when in a considered way or when they are in control of their emotions then they are sending an interesting message to their children – it is okay to use physical force if you are big enough and old enough and have the power.

I think discipline needs to reflect the times in which we live. In a civil society we don’t accept physical force as a way of resolving problems and conflict between adults so why should it be any different when managing the youngest members of our society. Smacking also shows lack of skill at dealing with children when they misbehave. That is my opinion!

What are your thoughts on the notion of smacking and spanking?

MySpace and your kids

2007-04-24T12:25:00.000+10:00

What do you think about MySpace? What do you know about it?

The recent deaths of two teenage girls in an apparent suicide pact in Victoria has raised fears of copycat self-harm behaviours, influenced by youth subcultures and their online activities on sites such as MySpace.

George Patton, Melbourne’s Royal Children’s Hospital professor of adolescent health was reported in Melbourne’s The Age as saying that the internet intensifies the risk of suicide contagion.

It appears that the two 16 year old girls found dead in bushland near Melbourne yesterday posted “RIP Jodie and Steph” on their MyPace page the day before they disappeared.

So concerned about the posting of suicide notes on MySpace – known as “MySpace suicide” – that the US based organisation Lifeline has created its own MySpace page to combat this growing phenomenon.

The Internet is a new medium for marginalised young people to hang out in and connect with each other. There is no shortage of content online about self-harm but the medium itself does not cause self-harm.

Youth sub-cultures thrive online and Emo (short for emotional), perhaps the most perverse and potentially dangerous sub-culture has a strong presence on MySpace.

No single factor leads to self-harm and suicide, so blaming sub-culture influence and the Internet is simplistic. It is usually young people who sit outside the protective walls of strong family, positive peers and connectedness at school who are most at risk of self-harm and suicide.

The cyberworld is perhaps for this generation of young people (Gen Y) what illegal drugs were for young people of a past generation. Like drugs cyberspace is addictive and offers a hierarchy for new users to work through.

Many young people’s cyber experience starts with relatively harmless MSN and moves onto to setting up their own website where they can upload photos and movies of all their offline activities.

Cyberspace is the place to be for Generation Y. Sites like MySpace are happening quickly and are like big online parties with young people making their private lives very public indeed. They are the shopping centres of the 21^st Century where young people ‘hang out’ and meet each other away from the gaze of adults.

How concerned should adults be about young people’s new use of cyber space?

I am not sure but this movement has happened so rapidly that it has caught many parents and teachers completely unaware. In light of recent events I think it is time to think about the increasing exposure that young people have to the very adult-free cyber world at an age when many are vulnerable and impressionable – quite a volatile combination.

I’ll ask the question again. What do you think about MySpace? What do you know about it? Check it out. Know what the kids are talking about. And get an idea of what your kids are doing online. Don’t let them disappear into the very unreal world of cyberspace, which is a place where it is easier to make friends than it is in real life.

And that is not healthy, regardless of a young person’s state of mind.

www.parentingideas.com.au

Michael Grose CSP

Author of the brilliant NEW at-home parenting program -"Boys - Raising boys from toddlerhood to manhood." www.parentingideas.com.au

Changes in family size

2007-04-20T10:03:00.001+10:00

Families are shrinking faster than we first thought. The Australian Bureau of Statistics recently revealed that childless couples are the fastest growing family type. In three years time childless couples will outnumber families with kids. Currently 47% of Australian families consist of couples living with children. This will shrink to 33% in just three years.

Families with only one child are rapidly increasing with around 15-18% of children being only children.

One parent families are on the increase as well due to increases in family breakdown, declining birth rates and an ageing population.

It means that we as a community are becoming less tolerant of children and, in some ways, less conversant with the ways of children. They are in some ways more of a mystery to adults than ever before. It also has interesting ramifications for the future of parenting. We will raise a generation of children who have grown up in small families. With opportunities to look after younger siblings decreasing hands-on child-rearing learning opportunities for kids within families will virtually diminish as well. The future of parenting is perhaps a little uncertain.

The reduction in family size also means that households are a little more intense. Adults now at least have equal numbers as kids in most families so families become more adult-like and serious places.

What do you think are the ramifications for children and the community in general of the decrease in family size?

Visit www.parentingideas.com.au to find out about my new programa Boys: Raising boys from toddlerhood to manhood

2007-03-28T08:17:00.000+10:00

Telling children white lies

Recently, I was involved in a survey about parents who tell children fibs. The Reader's Digest Survey found that three in four Australian parents told their children white lies. The most common fib was about the existence of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. These are fair enough. Let's maintain a fantasy world for kids I say. However many white lies were told to keep kids under control. The survery found that most of us were told white lies as children and we enjoy telling those same tales to our kids.

How does this fit with your view of parenting and your family?
www.parentingideas.com.au

Flat Daddies

2007-03-19T19:37:00.001+11:00

Flat Daddies, those life size cut out photos that are used by children of US
troops in Iraq as life size reminders of their absent dads, have received
negative press lately. I like them.
I can't see the harm in them. However there needs to be other strategies
used to keep their father's presence alive at home. Speaking about dad,
writing letters to him, reading correspondence from him and keeping photos
handy ars just a few simple ideas that can be used to keep an absent parent
in a child's mind.

www.parentingideas.com.au

2007-01-29T07:57:00.000+11:00

Five ways to make sure your child is ready

and raring to go (to school or pre school)

During the holidays children tune out from school. A break is good for your child’s mental health as well as giving them an opportunity to enjoy being a kid. Let’s face it, many of our pleasant childhood memories involve holidays of some type.

As holidays draw to a close it is useful to turn your child’s attention to school and help him or her get ready for the year ahead. Some kids are excited by the prospect of going to school or pre school, whereas others are less than thrilled that holidays are over and reality is about to kick in.

Here are five ways to make the going-to-school experience a little easier for your child:

1. Be positive about the year ahead. Children often pick up the cues of their parents so your attitude to school or pre school, your child’s teacher and learning can set the scene for a positive year ahead. Often children’s fears and concerns about a particular grade level or class disappear on the first day, so talk school up even if you have some reservations yourself.

2. Readjust routines at least a few days ahead. In the days leading up to the start of school or pre school begin to readjust children’s routines in line with their routine they will experience when they start school. In particular, bedtimes and wake up times can begin to resemble those of the school year.

3. Involve kids in the preparation. School and pre school is about children so encourage them to participate in the purchase and preparation of uniforms, books and stationery for the coming year. School starters may even wear their uniform prior to the first day.

4. Arrange to meet with or travel with a friend. Anyone who has been to a conference or seminar on their own will know that it is the social aspects that can cause most stress. “Will I know anyone?” “Who will I sit next to?” can be the type of issues that occupy your mind. Kids are no different. They can be nervous and anxious about social aspects of school, particularly if they are starting a new school or going into a class with few friends. It may be useful to arrange to travel to school with a friend or even meet a friend at school to ease initial nerves.

5. Be on time on the first day. This is important for children to help settle into class and not disrupt others or themselves. Psychologically the way start something tends to set the scene for what is to become. So start the year the right way.

A word of warning: Don’t be surprised if some young children are less than perfect when they come home from school or pre school in the first days of term.

Sticking to the rules and routines of school after the freedom of holidays can be hard work for some children, particularly of the male variety. It’s not unusual for them to blow off a little steam in the relative security of home. So be prepared for your patience and understanding to be stretched a little.

It’s worthwhile remembering that most kids put on their best face at school and save their worst behaviour for their parents. Such is the way of parenting!!

For more great ideas to help your child learn visit www.parentingideas.com.au