Kids that learn the hard way

Does your child act before he thinks?

Would he pat a dog, even though you warn him not to?

Would your child ignore a ‘wet paint, don’t touch’ sign and check it out for themselves?

If you’re busy nodding your head then chances are your child likes to learn through trial and error.

“You can tell me all you want, but I’m going to find out for myself” is their motto. They don’t like to be told. Experience is their teacher. The lessons learned at the school of hard knocks can be bitter, which makes parenting these kids pretty tough.

Inside school these kids are hands-on and tactile. They love to experiment and tinker. They learn about flight by making paper aeroplanes and flying them through their classrooms. They’ll adjust the nose, tail and wings to make it fly longer.

They learn about human behaviour by watching the reactions of classmates as the aeroplanes fly. They’ll notice that some people will react differently. Mates will love it and most likely laugh. Others will cringe and roll their eyes.

They learn about limits when the teacher keeps them after class for flying paper aeroplanes in the wrong place at the wrong time. They’ll adjust their behavior to avoid being kept in. But if the pay-off is big enough in terms of getting a reaction from peers, they may choose to continue flying paper aeroplanes in class instead. The pay-off is worth the risk of being caught!!

These trial and error kids learn many of their life lessons through experience. They will test the boundaries parents set, and ignore their well-meaning advice. These are the young adults who’ll take their time settling down, perhaps travelling overseas to get some experiences before deciding the path they choose.

Trial and error kids learners are more likely to be boys, and more likely to be worrying in the teenage years, which are highly experimental anyway.

The risks when young involve scraped knees, hurt egos and disappointment. They are minor compared to the risks that ten-foot-and bullet-proof teens can take. This can be scary, but it doesn’t mean parents should shelter their kids.

Here are some tips for parenting trial and error kids so they stay safe and absorb lessons along the way:

1. Make their problem, their problem: Sometimes we as adults can take on their concerns and make them our own. If something doesn’t bother them and there is no risk or infringement to other people’s rights then let them be. Hint: A jumper is something a parent puts on his/her child when they’re cold. (Sal Severe’s book “How to behave so your children will too!” has great ideas about this area. Find out more.)

2. Let them experience natural consequences: Natural consequences are fabulous teachers so step back and allow kids to experience the outcome of their decision, whether pleasant or unpleasant. For instance, if a child spends all his pocket money on the first day of the week may learn the value of planning if his pocket-money is not topped up.! (My book One Step Ahead goes into more detail about the magic of natural and logical consequences. Find out more.)

3. Save them from themselves: Differentiate between safe risks and unsafe risks. The use of natural consequences doesn’t apply when a child’s safety or well-being is at-risk. If you know a child is going to ride his bike in an absolutely reckless way then banning the bike for a time maybe the best option (logical consequences). If he’s going to be reckless with pocket-money spending then natural consequences may well be the best teacher as the risks are different.

4.Link behaviour with outcomes: Annoying the family pooch to the point where she snaps is an obvious link. Sometimes the lessons kids should learn need some explaining. So be prepared to reinforce life’s lesson if they don’t get it. “The reason your friends don’t go to the footy with you is that you keep annoying them……”

5.Keep explaining: Sometimes the lessons take a while to sink in so you need to be patient and also keep explaining. It may seem like nagging but there is often no other way.

Allowing kids to absorb life’s lessons is a tough gig for parents. But for some kids and some situations, it’s the only option available!

You'll learn more about trial and error kids at my coming Secrets of raising well-behaved kids seminar in an Ausstralian capital city in Ayugust and September.

I’m going to give all I’ve got on how you can raise kids who know how to behave even when you’re not around.

I’ll talk about managing trial and error kids, stubborn ‘you-can’t-make-me-do-anything-I-don’t-want- to-do’ kids as well as your every day garden variety kids who just love to have the last word. Book Now.

My survey of three weeks ago showed that managing kids’ behaviour is still the number 1 concern for Australian parents.

In this seminar you’ll get the full benefit of my 22 years of parenting education and you’ll hear strategies you won’t get anywhere else to make sure you raise co-operative, well-behaved kids.

Get more information at www.parentingideas.com.au

NB: This is one seminar where it’s a great idea of both parents come along to.
This practical, information-full seminar is suitable for parents of children of all ages, but most of my examples will fit the 3 – 13 year age groups.

Would your child eat the marshmallow?

Between 1968 and 1974 Stanford University researcher Michael Mischel conducted an unusual experiment that demonstrated the importance of delaying immediate gratification to lifelong success.

In a long-term study Mischel, offered 4 year-olds a marshmallow, and told them that if they could wait for the experimenter to return after ten to fifteen minutes, he would reward their patience with another marshmallow.

Control your impulses and delay gratification for a greater reward was the idea here! An interesting dilemma for any 44 year-old, let alone a 4 year old.

Mischel found there were three groups of kids. About one-third ate the marshmallow within the first few seconds. They didn’t even consider waiting. Down the hatch! Another third tried to wait, but couldn’t last the distance. Another third practised some old-fashioned self-discipline and didn’t eat the marshmallow. That’s quite an effort!

Mischel followed the 400 kids involved in the experiment over a 14 year period and found that there was a high correlation between the results of the study and how each group performed in high school.

The marshmallow gobblers were more troubled, and had difficulty subordinating immediate impulses to achieve long-term goals. When it came time to study, they were easily distracted and less likely to follow-through and finish school.

The marshmallow resisters were more motivated, educationally more successful and more emotionally intelligent. Their end of high school marks were higher than the other groups.

So what’s the point?

Sometimes we can draw too many conclusions from such experiments. In fact, studies like this one can take on a life of their own, and be quoted out of context without any real understanding of how it was conducted.

BUT I think it’s a great reminder for all parents that the Rolling Stones were right when they sang all those years ago ‘You can’t always get what you want.’
Okay, Mick Jagger wasn’t thinking about kids when he belted out those lyrics, but he may as well have been.

Impulse control is one of the keys to being successful in life. It doesn’t take a study to make that obvious. Those who can put off immediate gratification or the quick fix to work toward a bigger goal will always be successful in life.
Always have been, always will. It takes self-discipline to save, rather than use a credit card. It takes self-discipline to get up in the cold each morning to exercise rather than stay in bed. Impulse control pays off…….in the long run.
Modern parenting can be detrimental to developing impulse control. Let’s face it, in this era of smaller families we have greater propensity to gratify kids’ needs immediately. To be blunt, to avoid disappointing kids, I see some adults bending over backwards to give them what they want.

Impulse control is largely about self-discipline and character. While some kids are more naturally prone to delay gratification than others, some parenting styles are more likely to promote impulse control than others. Parenting does have an impact!
Here are four strategies to encourage your children to delay gratification, practise self-discipline and build character along the way:

1.Just say NO! You may need to gird your loins with some tough nuts, but so be it!

2.Give kids pocket-money and teach them how to set goals. Being a child’s personal ATM doesn’t encourage impulse controls.

3. Help kids focus on bigger rewards. When kids can see that a BIGGER reward is attainable they are more likely strive to get it.

4. Establish rituals and rites of passage. ‘You get your big bike when you are ten’ is a type of ritual that parents used in the past to make children wait. These rituals and rites of passage give parents strength to resist pester power and teaches kids that good things come to those who wait.

There is no doubt that saying No to kids is hard work as it is in their job descriptions to push parental (and adult) boundaries.

It is in their long term best interests to realise that they “can’t always get want you want….”

It’s worth remembering the following line to that Stones was, “you can try sometimes, you can try”.

Maybe Jagger was singing about kids after all!