Congratulations to the
Many parents tell me that they have smacked or spanked their children at some stage however it was not something they were proud of or felt good about. They felt frustrated or annoyed by their child’s poor behaviour so smacking was a type of release. Without getting sanctimonious about it discipline needs to be considered and controlled if it is to be effective. If parents smack their children when in a considered way or when they are in control of their emotions then they are sending an interesting message to their children – it is okay to use physical force if you are big enough and old enough and have the power.
I think discipline needs to reflect the times in which we live. In a civil society we don’t accept physical force as a way of resolving problems and conflict between adults so why should it be any different when managing the youngest members of our society. Smacking also shows lack of skill at dealing with children when they misbehave. That is my opinion!
What are your thoughts on the notion of smacking and spanking?
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8 comments:
I agree that smacking is due to parents being tired, not being in control, losing their temper. If they don't let issues escalate, then reasoning with your child (without letting them get away with their wrongdoing) is actually possible. And like all things, it gets easier with time. I know I have smacked both my children, and 99% of the time, afterwards I'd reflect and realise that for lots of reasons it's not effective and more importantly, detrimental to my child and to their reaction/respect to me. Another reason tantrums arise (which is likely to be a cause of smacking) is that children are tired. Their sleep and routine should be a priority and it makes the whole household pleasant, because parents then also get time out from the kids (while their sleeping off their full-on day!)
Michael,
I appreciate and hear your opinion regarding 'smacking and spanking' of children, and see you step into 'grey' territory when you say, "Smacking also shows lack of skill at dealing with children when they misbehave. That is my opinion!"
I am certainly intrigued to see our society racing down the path saying that if you even contemplate 'smacking' you are seen as less intelligent, less skilled and certainly less loving.
MMmmmmm an interesting conclusion. I struggle to arrive at the same point. 'If I smack I love my kids less'... is that what you are saying?
I see many parents having raised, or are raising, loving well adjusted children - raised two children with my wife, and am currently work as a school chaplain - with great skill and control. They certainly don't lack in their compassion for their children, but also know they are tackling the responsibility of raising the next generation with great wisdom.
I see a world of kids screaming for loving touch, and part of that loud scream is GIVE ME BOUNDARIES! Certainly, teaching limits involves pain, even as adults, and too remove the concept of 'smacking and spanking', to turn it into an unloving act and making it eventually illegal is an incredibly dangerous precedent and backward step for our society.
I would be intrigued to see the long term results of your theory and practice! You are far from convincing me as a leader in our society!
Bruce Wadd
I'm always interested in comments on this debate. I was smacked as a child and don't believe I'm damaged by it. On the other hand I have complex issues with my children that have made smacking an impossible option for us to use. The alternatives are very hard work though! I often find it difficult to be always one step ahead and to remain calm in the face of rudeness and testing of boundaries. I have 3 boisterous boys who can be quite exhausting - although I'm proud to say we often get compliments on their manners when they are out! In all this debate though why just stop with parents - what about police etc. when they are dealing with adults who are 'misbehaving' and the batons come out? If we legislate against parents, what about the rest of society? And who teaches the alternative methods to parents who can't afford all the seminars on parenting?
I think that parents should be better educated in raising kids without smacking, rather than just making it illegal.
I feel sorry for those parents in NZ who are going to end up with a criminal record for smacking their kids, when the real criminals who are beating their children will still be abusing them behind their tightly closed doors.
And finally - I was hit as a child and everyday I suffer from the damaged it did to me.
There is no doubt that physical abuse needs to be stopped, but is smacking really physical abuse? I have smacked my 2 year old - We live near a busy road, when he ran towards the road and I had to drop everything to catch him, I had to let him know that this behaviour is not an acceptable way of gettings Mum's attention. A pat on the bottom with panic in my eyes was enough to discourage him from doing this again. Surely this smack was out of love and I would prefer to risk jail than risk seeing my son under a car. Your answer could be that perhaps we should move or create barriers to prevent any access to the road. Sure, sometimes this is possible for your home environment within your control, but it is not possible to always avoid busy road in our everyday life.
I say 'no' to physical abuse, but 'stop being lazy' to the authorities who find to too hard to see the difference between a real problem relationship and a loving one.
Congratulations New Zealand. This legislation is well overdue. Of course, it will need to be supported with well funded education programmes demonstrating and teaching effective strategies for managing children's behaviour. These programmes will need to be updated regularly and support parents.
My husband and I have chosen not to smack our children. We use a number of proactive strategies e.g. providing activities that are developmentally appropriate (wherever possible), reminding ourselves that we have children who view the world from the eyes of children - not adults - and so we try to adjust our expectations- and to enjoy theirs! We use many other strategies such as listening (active listening), redirecting them (rather than continually telling them what not to do) telling them exactly what we don't like about their behaviour and how we would like them to behave and why. We try hard to use measured calm voices.
It seems to me that hitting is very much related to the power in a relationship - which is why more women are hit by men than men by women (less power) and children are hit by adults (powerless). Why is it illegal to strike an adult who has more 'power' than a child, yet so many of us think it is within our rights to hit a powerless child?
It would be interesting to know the views of those children and parents in parts of Europe where hitting has been banned for 15 years or more.
I agree that smacking just says you have lost control.
I believe that children see that you are allowed to smack when you think that someone has misbehaved and so "children will sometimes do what you say but almost allways do what you do" Dr Phil, so they will do it to others or siblings or yours.
As a child my mother would give 2 warnings & the third time would be a smack. I remember testing these boundaries because sometimes her tone of voice just didnt sound convincing - but she was always CONSISTENT and she never hit in anger. I also knew that if I got a smack I had done something to deserve it. It didnt make me love her less or my father more (because he never smacked me!) My thoughts are that no matter what type of discipline you give your children it should be fair and be consistent. Some parents smack their children over the smallest misdemeanor and other times the child can get away with it. Sometimes children just learn to be sneaky and sly and misbehave when parents arent watching. I've seen kids whose parents cant understand why little Johnnie is in trouble at school when he is a good boy and well behaved at home - Little Johnnie knows the school cant smack him and when the authorities try to solve the issues with parents they are met with the comment "Johnnie would never do anything like that" - that's because Johnnie has never been able to test his boundaries without being smacked. If you think that allowing schools to give corporal punishment is the answer think again - it doesnt stop children (or adults for that matter) from one of the basic human behaviours of rebelling. Not smacking children doesnt mean not setting boundaries & it defineatly doesnt mean letting children run wild. It does mean working harder mentally & emotionally by discussing issues with the child and setting guidelines and consequences that they can understand and agree with. It takes time laying these foundations but the long term result is worth it.
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